The Ashes

[Yorkshire pud]

Now I'm officially going to bed. Yorkshire Pud you suck. Here have some mayo.

What what? I was out flying today, only just got back, and recapped. I'll see your jar of mayo and raise you....

It's okay, the picture is saved for the other tests...

[SredniVashtar]

This match will most likely end in a draw.

[Yorkshire pud]

Oh, this is such a shame....such a shame...

England took a 1-0 lead in the Ashes after a superb bowling display on day four wrapped up a 169-run win against Australia in the first Test at Cardiff.
Needing 412 for an unlikely win, the tourists lost Chris Rogers early before David Warner and Steve Smith put on 78.
Moeen Ali trapped Warner lbw for 52 before Stuart Broad removed Smith (33) and Michael Clarke (four) as England took four wickets for nine runs.
Mitchell Johnson hit 77 but his side were eventually all out for 242.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cricket/33492984

[SredniVashtar]

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of blokes.

Someone make sure they take the laces out of Jaz's shoes.

There's nothing worse than a gloating Pom.

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!!!!

[pate]

Kryekee! Or Bums...

Note Sure, WOT happenuneed?

Report Interoggative.

Over.

[pate]

What what? I was out flying today, only just got back, and recapped. I'll see your jar of mayo and raise you....

It's okay, the picture is saved for the other tests...

Congrats, the baby is yours...

[pate]

I think "Ashes" is a horrible name for a child, whichever erm, um..

'orrible name...

[SredniVashtar]

At least jaz is now in a position to understand what Whitley Strieber felt like when he went up in that spaceship. Just think, when you get to Lord's the probe is going to be extra large, with a lube made of honey and fire ants. And the Gray handling the probe will be a bit inexperienced, with a case of the shakes.


I know David Warner's favourite position is on his knees, but I don't think the rest of the Aussies had to emulate him. That is taking team solidarity too far.


By the way, get a good look at the Ashes. You probably aren't going to see them again for a while.

[jazmunda]

At least jaz is now in a position to understand what Whitley Strieber felt like when he went up in that spaceship. Just think, when you get to Lord's the probe is going to be extra large, with a lube made of honey and fire ants. And the Gray handling the probe will be a bit inexperienced, with a case of the shakes.


I know David Warner's favourite position is on his knees, but I don't think the rest of the Aussies had to emulate him. That is taking team solidarity too far.


By the way, get a good look at the Ashes. You probably aren't going to see them again for a while.

This post has been copied. Will be used later. 

[SredniVashtar]

This post has been copied. Will be used later. 

But (splutter) that's just not cricket!

[jazmunda]

But (splutter) that's just not cricket!

I thought this was the netball thread. 

[SredniVashtar]

I thought this was the netball thread. 

I'm sure you could beat us at that. Bunch of sheilas that you are. :

[jazmunda]

Considering that you refer to us as senior citizens we'd no doubt wipe the floor with you at lawn bowls too.

[SredniVashtar]

Considering that you refer to us as senior citizens we'd no doubt wipe the floor with you at lawn bowls too.

This bitterness is like nectar to my jaded palate. Don't take it out on me, mate. It's not my fault you're stuck down there - it's because your relatives couldn't keep their hands out of the till. Otherwise you could be breathing the sweet smell of success rather than the rank stench of defeat. 

Here's a little joke for you; stop me if you've heard this one before, courtesy of Ian Botham.

Pom is travelling to Australia, but when he gets off the plane he is stopped by Customs and asked if he has a criminal record.

Pom: "I didn't know you still needed one".

Roll on Lord's!!!!

[Roswells, Art]

SredniVashtar, why do you have a lawn sprinkler as an avatar?

[Yorkshire pud]

SredniVashtar, why do you have a lawn sprinkler as an avatar?

What?

What? 

Lawn sprinkler?

[Roswells, Art]

What?

What? 

Lawn sprinkler?

Noted, never make fun of The Ashes urn.

[SredniVashtar]

Noted, never make fun of The Ashes urn.

Ever.

Reported.

[SredniVashtar]

No. We sledge (talk shit) to each other during the game but have a beer together once the match is over.

Another jazmunda prediction proved brilliantly accurate:

http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2015/jul/14/defeated-australia-snubbed-offer-of-beer-with-england

[jazmunda]

Another jazmunda prediction proved brilliantly accurate:

http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2015/jul/14/defeated-australia-snubbed-offer-of-beer-with-england

Well that's just not cricket.

[SredniVashtar]

I thought this was the netball thread. 

[SredniVashtar]

As Australia head to the slaughterhouse Lord's tomorrow for the start of the Second Test Match against Ashes Winners England, I thought I would email a few of Coast's most illustrious figures for their views, and this is what I received:

Richard C Hoagland: "Our hyper-dimensional model predicts that the top-scoring Australian batsman will have a series average of 19.5."

Whitley Strieber: "I invited David Warner to my cabin a few weeks ago. Coincidentally, The Visitors whisked me up in their spaceship while I was asleep one night and I have had trouble sitting down since."

Mel Waters: "I keep being pestered by some guy called Warner asking to have a look at my hole, but that's all I can tell you."

Malachi Martin: "How the fuck should I know? I've been dead for fifteen years. All I can tell you is that this guy Bradman lives next door; he keeps playing heavy metal at all hours and is an absolute arse, so c'mon England."

Major Ed Dames: "I remote-viewed an Australian victory by an innings and 200 runs."

Art Bell: "Please stop sending me nude pictures."

[SredniVashtar]

Are you young? Are you hip? Then go to Lord's, where all the cool kids hang out:

[SredniVashtar]

Australia won the toss (Clarke has always been a lucky tosser) and will bat first. Very overcast day here that should be ideal swinging conditions for Anderson. We shall see...

[jazmunda]

Australia won the toss (Clarke has always been a lucky tosser) and will bat first. Very overcast day here that should be ideal swinging conditions for Anderson. We shall see...

Is this Ashes thing still happening?

I thought we agreed to call it a draw.

[SredniVashtar]

Is this Ashes thing still happening?

I thought we agreed to call it a draw.

We'll see if this attitude changes after today. Your lot have managed half an hour without getting out, which is an achievement. The pitch looks as flat as a witch's at the moment so you might have something to console yourself with at the end of the day. Looks like one of those wickets where you need to pitch it up, so length balls are the order of the day. Which is handy for this Australian team, who are so old they are practically dragging on the ground.

[SredniVashtar]

68-0.

Bugger!

[SredniVashtar]

78-1

Little David Warner back in the shed. Underestimate Moeen at your peril.

[jazmunda]

There's the ton.

1/100.

[SredniVashtar]

There's the ton.

1/100.

You all looked so crestfallen the other day we had to try and keep your spirits up by making it slightly competitive. Sigh, I wish all these cricketers weren't all swathed in body art these days, one of the curses of modern life. Why people pay money to look like someone's prison bitch beats me. It's hard to imagine Colin Cowdrey going out to bat tattooed to the eyebrows.

Steve Smith getting squared up at the moment and looking all at sea, so that is something at least.