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Limericks

Started by SredniVashtar, February 19, 2015, 07:16:03 AM

SredniVashtar

The limerick is probably the noblest of poetic art forms.

Example:

There was a young monk from Silesia
Who of praying grew weary and wearier
When he rose with a yell,
Ran out of his cell
And buggered the Father Superior

This is open to all. Points will be awarded for metrical accuracy, humour and, most importantly, filth. Sexual content is preferred, if not essential - usually of the back-door variety - but don't let me cramp your creativity. The rhyme scheme is AABBA, and usually starts with a man or woman from some part of the country, but I don't think that would work for us here. I thought it would be a good opportunity to use include various forum members in a variety of unnatural acts. I am sure you will manage something better than me, but to give you an example of what I am looking for:

There was a young man named MV
Who buggered an elderly bee
The old insect would groan
As he shoved in his bone
Then ran off, to suck off, a flea

Something like that anyway. I have faith that you can come up with something suitably heinous before long. If it causes a combination of humour and outrage I think you have something close to the perfect limerick.

maureen

from the master, Edward Lear:

There once was a lady from Níger,
Who went for a ride on a tiger.
  They came back from the ride
  With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

I was reminded of this with Art's Wanna take a ride?

I love limericks and often compose for fun.

There once was a talk host named Noory
Who was brab, false, ghoulish and borin'
  Most certainly not Art Bell
  Who did talk radio so well
With Noory, we are truly sorry!

SredniVashtar

I don't know about Edward Lear. I prefer the x-rated versions myself, and he too often used the same rhyme at the end, which is not playing the game. Norman Douglas rules. Anyway:

To George Noory; the hedgehog, it said,
'while it's true that I'm strapped to your head,
I did once take a leak,
and it sure made you squeak,
You jumped up and fell straight out of bed.'

I was thinking of one for Art, but he might quit again if he heard it.

SredniVashtar

I am ploughing a lonely furrow here, it seems. All you need is a moderate vocabulary and a dirty mind. Oh well, I did my best. But permit me, as the stripper said at the bukkake party, to get some things off my chest.

So:

I'd like to believe, but I can't
Did George once fuck his creepy old aunt?
He ran round to her place
When she'd sit on his face
And then jack him off over a plant

Or:

It's an internet rumour, I hear,
George fucks 2 or 3 tigers, per year
He takes pliers and de-fangs 'em
Grabs their ears while he bangs 'em
When he's done, he sheds big girly tears

One more:

Art Bell has made millions of Bucks
With interviews, weirdos, and yucks
But there's one man we know
Whose craptacular show
Blows a goat; man, how Dave Noorie sucks!

pate

Quote from: SredniVashtar on February 21, 2015, 07:06:28 AM
I am ploughing a lonely furrow here, it seems. All you need is a moderate vocabulary and a dirty mind. Oh well, I did my best. But permit me, as the stripper said at the bukkake party, to get some things off my chest.

I like limericks, but am horrible at the poetry type stuff.

That said, I think you aren't trying hard enough, for instance the above quote would seem to indicate a limerick in on it's own merits, with perhaps a bit of re-writing?

wr250

there once has a host named noory
bellgabbers thought he was to gory
dead pets abound
mean babies all around
the closeted rat eating haturz renamed him snoory

SredniVashtar

Quote from: pate on February 21, 2015, 08:37:00 AM
I like limericks, but am horrible at the poetry type stuff.

That said, I think you aren't trying hard enough, for instance the above quote would seem to indicate a limerick in on it's own merits, with perhaps a bit of re-writing?

Ha! You're right. When you start thinking of limericks it must seep into your brain like Noory's hair dye. I didn't even notice that 'til you pointed it out. Anyway, a couple more. I am glad someone has responded, it got a bit lonely out here in the breeze:

Now George might think he's radio's saviour
But he's shown us some quite odd behaviour
Like that chloroform pad
And then fucking his dad
And chewing on old ladies' labias

It is true that George once saw a whore
But he'd much rather fuck an old door
In the keyhole he'd plunge
And then shoot in his gunge
Get cleaned up, and then go a round more

That crafty old hare-lip, George N
Been up to his old tricks again
Lisa Lyon and Tom
They both caught a sex bomb
Tied them up in his sinister den

You should try it, you'll get the hang. Just reach out with your feelings, as Obi-Wan would say, and conquer Noory and the dark side.


SredniVashtar

Quote from: wr250 on February 21, 2015, 08:52:04 AM
there once has a host named noory
bellgabbers thought he was to gory
dead pets abound
mean babies all around
the closeted rat eating haturz renamed him snoory

Perhaps one more draft? Some admirable meanness, so you have plenty to work with. I would suggest he has a sexual relationship with at least one of the dead pets, though. But don't let me stifle your expressive nature.

sydtron

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who claimed to have no sexual feeling
Along came Boris
And touched he cli-tor-us
She damn neer jumped through the celing.

SredniVashtar

Quote from: sydtron on February 21, 2015, 11:56:56 AM
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who claimed to have no sexual feeling
Along came Boris
And touched he cli-tor-us
She damn neer jumped through the celing.

Nearly. The last line would need to have 'right through the ceiling' to make the rhythm scan. I suspect it was not your own work, but it wasn't one I had heard before, so thank you.

If you want to try and work on one, I could start you off with:

On holiday once in Rangoon
Georgey tried to seduce a baboon

See what you can do with that.

Is it just me, or is something askew here?

Yorkshire pud

Quote from: Treading Water on February 21, 2015, 12:25:59 PM
Is it just me, or is something askew here?

As in the singular rather than one of many many things in this parish?

SredniVashtar

George Noory, the Devil, and Bell
Were sat rubbing their scrotums in Hell
When the Devil said, 'quick,-
Give me both of your dicks'
And gobbed them both off with a yell

The Bell/Hell rhyme is a bit obvious, I know, as in:

Midnight in the desert, Art Bell
Tried to fuck an old wrinkly camel
Now, the camel was blind
So Art got in behind
But it kicked him, so now he's in Hell


wr250

Quote from: SredniVashtar on February 21, 2015, 11:50:13 AM
Perhaps one more draft? Some admirable meanness, so you have plenty to work with. I would suggest he has a sexual relationship with at least one of the dead pets, though. But don't let me stifle your expressive nature.
i see no reason to inject sex into a noory "limey-rick" unless tommee is involved.

Quote from: Yorkshire pud on February 21, 2015, 12:29:49 PM
As in the singular rather than one of many many things in this parish?

Heh

SredniVashtar

Quote from: wr250 on February 21, 2015, 12:41:38 PM
i see no reason to inject sex into a noory "limey-rick" unless tommee is involved.

'Limey-rick'. Sounds like I'm busted. If you want TD involved, I suppose:

Now, Noory's a rather large figure
At Premiere he gets bigger and bigger
Says to Tom, with a shout
'Get that big booty out!'
And rides him, like Roy once rode Trigger.

AZZERAE

There once was a guy who was gay
Who banged dudes when his wife was away
One day she came back
Found him on his back
With a dick in his ass just halfway

K_Dubb

Quote from: SredniVashtar on February 21, 2015, 12:30:51 PM
George Noory, the Devil, and Bell
Were sat rubbing their scrotums in Hell
When the Devil said, 'quick,-
Give me both of your dicks'
And gobbed them both off with a yell

The Bell/Hell rhyme is a bit obvious, I know, as in:

Midnight in the desert, Art Bell
Tried to fuck an old wrinkly camel
Now, the camel was blind
So Art got in behind
But it kicked him, so now he's in Hell

Wow!  On the strengths of these poetical gems I'm quite ready to cede my bays and go back to preening.  Congratulations, Shreddie!

Kidnostad3

The potential for evil-works on this thread is limitless, e.g. There once was a man from Nantucket...
I'm glad I'm above that sort of thing. 

ACE of CLUBS

There once was a man from Cape
Who tried to corn-hole an ape
The ape said "You fool, you'll ruin your tool . . .
and bend my ass out'a shape"

K_Dubb

Quote from: Kidnostad3 on May 24, 2019, 12:05:45 PM
The potential for evil-works on this thread is limitless, e.g. There once was a man from Nantucket...
I'm glad I'm above that sort of thing.

Regrettably, I am not  :(

A fisherman from old Nantucket
Confronted a hole in his bucket.
With poles in each hand
And his feet stuck in sand,
He sighed, "Well, I'll just have to fuck it."

SredniVashtar

There was a young student of John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans
But the loyal hall-porter
Said: 'Pray take my daughter!
The birds are reserved for the dons.'

K_Dubb

A pastry chef, apron tight-trussed,
Entranced a young swain with her bust.
While on his ear she nibbled, he
Furthered the ribaldry
By tenderly sampling her crust.

ACE of CLUBS

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone . . .
When she bent over, Rover drove her
Cause Rover had a bone of his own . . .

K_Dubb

An unlikely German named Newton
Was scrupulously not eating gluten.
I asked, "Why not oats?"
Doc said, "It's the notes
Of the tune that the Teuton was tootin'."

AZZERAE

I once pushed a man down the stairs
After tipping him out a wheelchair
When the mess reached the bottom
And the dog got him
I was sickened by the whole sordid affair

AZZERAE

I once knew a man from Finland
Who wanked till he bled in his hand
A patch on his trousers
Drew the attention of Schnauzers
So they dismembered his dick in the sand

AZZERAE

There once was a slut into anal
Who shat in a freshly baked bagel
Wrapped and delivered
A runny brown sliver
Dripped onto the poor sods navel

AZZERAE

There once was a gnome in the country
Who cohabited with a monkey
One day it gave birth
And never on earth
Did you ever see a creature so ugly

AZZERAE

I once knew a dude with no dick
Who pretended that he was a chick
He still had the testes
And scabs on his knees
But a bloody fish hole of a slit

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