The General Musings of Falkie2013 (George Senda, The Guy From Pittsburgh)

[SredniVashtar]

Hey SV, do you have any plans to continue the Senda Chronicles? Maybe a sequel to the Senda Christmas Carol?

I assumed people had had enough of them so I wasn't going to bother, but since you asked. A prize goes to whoever can cite all the literary references (terms and conditions apply*). This is in two parts, and will conclude whenever I can work out how to finish the bloody thing.


(*This isn't White Crow. I'd rather die than give you bastards anything for free, so STFU.)

The Senda Chronicles (continued)

"It's a Wonderful Sendaful Life"

These were lean times at Senda Towers. Well, not 'lean' in the sense that he'd got any slimmer - whenever he waddled his way on to a 'Speak Your Weight' machine it would usually just groan and sob quietly. Despite spooging fluid generously each time each he saw a news report about Donald Trump and got with the trouser-rubbing, he was still nudging the needle at 600 pounds, with power to add. No, he was having money troubles again. Even though he'd been able to add 'entrepreneur' to his already formidable resume - cornering the market in plastic pumpkin salt-shakers and witches masks nobody wanted - he eventually realised that it can be hard work selling Halloween items in the middle of November. Always a snapper-up of unconsidered trifles, even he was having trouble understanding why he'd bought a gross of 'Ghoulish Halloween Tampons' that glowed in the dark, with the string looking like a devil's tail. Although he'd been honoured by the Polish government for his "outstanding contribution to the economy" (his heroic consumption of of kielbasas earning him honorary admission to the order of the Holy Knights of Cracow, and the title of 'Lord Protector Pan Senda') he found that it came with no salary and, when he took the medal to the pawn shop, that it was only made of nickel alloy. Typical Polacks!

And then there was his love life. Although she looked like a cross between Quasimodo and a traffic accident, Sweet Kathy was still his one true love. Admittedly, they could rarely tolerate each other's company for more than ten minutes at a time without spitting in each other's faces, but who could penetrate the mysteries of true love? Even so, the three little words that mean so much usually, in her case, turned out to be "go fuck yourself" rather than "I love you". She had been his first real relationship with a woman; his previous 'girlfriend' being a hole in an abandoned mattress he'd found outside a homeless shelter. Although the mattress lacked her unique way with words (for example, it rarely said "gimme some cash, you fat fuck!") the personality, and the smell, were much the same. It is unlikely that Estee Lauder will be calling on her any time soon to help launch the 'Sweet Kathy' range, unless there is a sudden craze in the Mid-West for smelling like a herring trawler in the middle of summer. Senda was the only man who could see the real woman behind the matted hair, temper tantrums and random nudity. She was never popular in high-school, being voted "most likely to end up a lot lizard and strangled in a rest stop". Despite all that, he felt more attached to her than anyone else. Except for Snoopy, his number one.

And now she'd dumped his ass! Where did it all go wrong? As he was between jobs at the moment and had some time on his hands (he'd just got out of bed - at 4pm - and was having a rest while he pondered what to do with the rest of his day) he mulled over the rift within the lute that, ever-widening, had slowly silenced Kathy forever. His stint (3 hours) as Santa Claus at a local department store last year had not gone well, to be sure, and the choice of Kathy as a Christmas elf must rank as the worst mistake he'd made since the time he decided to eat two partially defrosted chickens. The memory - and the prolapsed colon - were with him still. They only hired Senda in the first place because the store thought it would save money on padding, but they hadn't bargained on him asking each child for ten bucks up front before he'd even ask them what they wanted for Christmas. Nor the way he would scream in pain every time a child sat on his knee. He was also far too fond of long, rambling monologues about how his mother always used to buy him the wrong sort of luxury train set for Christmas (he was in his mid-thirties by then), and by the time he'd got round to telling them about how his father used to beat him to death every night before bed, the poor children were led away so traumatised that several of them never spoke again.

Yes, as elfs go, he mused, Kathy definitely found her rightful place at Halloween rather than Christmas. If only he'd thought of it at the time, he could have walked around with her at night, the mere sight of her - five-foot-three of grisly, lazy-eyed simmering resentment - causing children to drop their candy and run for dear life. But surely there was some other reason for giving him the push than simply cajoling her on to the rough and stony path of seasonal employment? Were those playful love taps with a closed fist possibly interpreted wrongly? When he didn't hear from her for days on end a few months ago and thought she was dead, was the way he asked someone else to check on her, rather than doing it himself, miscontrued as coldness? Although he explained that he was immersed in an intensive DVD-watching project at the time, he didn't think she bought it. Their last conversation - which had ended with Kathy calling him a "worthless, good-for-nothing shitweasel" - hadn't been entirely positive, but when you are Senda most conversations end like that anyway, so he didn't think too much of it.

And now she'd gone! They had so much in common and the stupid bitch threw it all away. Their mutual love of gluttonous smorgasbord once led to an unbroken run of fourteen restaurant closures that earned them a place in The Guinness Book of Records and a state-wide retirement of the 'all-u-can-eat' buffet concept. And then there was their shared loathing of Mexicans; Senda once winning her over, after a particularly bruising fight, by taking her to a Klan meeting in a nearby parking lot, where they were having a 'Soak the Spic' night ("watch a wetback get even wetter"), when they'd round up a few gardeners and dangle them upside-down in a bathtub. The photos they took together that night were one of his most treasured possessions, if only he could find them under the mountains of all his other treasured possessions he'd acquired over a lifetime's assiduous hoarding. Haters might have speculated that they were related (reasoning that two people of such catastrophic unpleasantness must have come from the same parent stock), but the truth was that Cupid's arrow had nailed him squarely, and now he was bereft. Old, lonely, slightly overweight ("I'll lose the weight. STFU!"), broke. And horny. That 25 lb turkey was his only sexual solace now - it reminded him of Kathy in so many ways. (Pro-tip: if you're asked to Senda's place for Thanksgiving, a polite refusal is the only course. And on no account whatsoever sample his 'special stuffing'.)

Senda was nearing the end. His life had fallen into the sere and he felt it. His YouTube videos were being bested by arch-enemy Jason Callan at every turn. His latest - "what I found under my toenails this week" - hadn't met with the acclaim he'd hoped for. The Circle of Trust (plus Justin) was leaking like Kathy after a Big Gulp. He'd tried freshening-up his image a bit with his new 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' haircut, but even that didn't stir his soul as he'd hoped. Even Noory wasn't returning his calls, despite trying 150 times a day, with breaks for naps. He decided to end it all. The Everlasting might have fixed his canon 'gainst self-slaughter, but G*d didn't have to listen to Drone babbling on Skype like an inmate from Atascadero every night. But how to do it? He pondered fashioning a noose by tying his 'kitties' together; if he added his latest acquisition (he was thinking of naming it 'Stolen Cat') they ought to form a long enough feline centipede to do the job. But it sounded like far too much work. Why not just throw himself off the balcony of his Section Eight housing hovel instead? He might even land on an illegal and get a posthumous medal of honor from St Donald himself! If he'd ever read anything other than woo-woo books he might have murmured the words of Sydney Carton as he ascended the steps of the guillotine, but instead he just said:

  "Fuck it! Screw you, MV! You and your tiny cameras!"

But then, as he clambered over the balcony railing (a sweaty, wheezing affair that lasted about twenty minutes), a soft voice behind him said:

  "Just a moment, Senda."

(tbc)

[Yorkshire pud]

Bravo!!!! Tale of two shittys and David Copper bottom? Do I win a pwize?

[Inglorious Bitch]

in her case, turned out to be "go fuck yourself" rather than "I love you".

LOL

(Pro-tip: if you're asked to Senda's place for Thanksgiving, a polite refusal is the only course. And on no account whatsoever sample his 'special stuffing'.)

or his extra creamy giblet gravy.


Bravo! You should do one of these every week.

[3OctaveFart]

I was going to beg for one of these holiday donations, Senda-like, but I'm glad someone else did. Superb as usual.

[MV/Liberace!]

LOLZ...and Senda is reviewing chicken stock...bwahahaha

heh heh

[Lilith]

I assumed people had had enough of them so I wasn't going to bother, but since you asked. A prize goes to whoever can cite all the literary references (terms and conditions apply*). This is in two parts, and will conclude whenever I can work out how to finish the bloody thing.


(*This isn't White Crow. I'd rather die than give you bastards anything for free, so STFU.)

The Senda Chronicles (continued)

"It's a Wonderful Sendaful Life"



Senda was nearing the end. His life had fallen into the sere and he felt it. His YouTube videos were being bested by arch-enemy Jason Callan at every turn. His latest - "what I found under my toenails this week" - hadn't met with the acclaim he'd hoped for.

(tbc)

Shredme, this part made me cry... It's just too sad.   

[nooryisawesome]

I was going to beg for one of these holiday donations, Senda-like, but I'm glad someone else did. Superb as usual.

Senda will definitely make his yearly plea due to an emergency need donations around the holidays.

[Happier Times are Coming]

2017 Predictions:

1)  Senda resumes making anti-Noory video rants.

2)  Senda gets booted from a store due to creeping out the other customers.



3)  Senda continues to share inappropriate and offensive selfies.

4. George finally gets the nod from Snoory and it is announced "The Guy from Pittsburgh" will host a rip off show from Trump titled "Falkie's Apprentice", looking for a Muse and assistant among all the older heavy large busted women with very low intelligence.
5. Falkie will take a lesson from Hillary and start his own foundation immediately seeking donations from that Mexican govt and that Muslim govt for world benefit (well, I mean Falkie's benefits)

[Happier Times are Coming]

Please be proactive and post Falkie's address to mail money and care packages, (one every week)

[Lil Godzilla]

I could send him a care package from S. Korea. What's his address

[Lil Godzilla]

It would an amusing unboxing

[Who]

Good Morning, Senda.   Pulling cat food and toilet paper out of a shopping bag is never going to be a ratings sensation.  Here's something you can do to make your views go through the roof.  Use your frozen turkey to do a traditional cooking show.  Put on your apron and show us, start to finish, how to prepare a perfect turkey dinner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zn-4GEwfzkQ

[whoozit]

Good Morning, Senda.   Pulling cat food and toilet paper out of a shopping bag is never going to be a ratings sensation.  Here's something you can do to make your views go through the roof.  Use your frozen turkey to do a traditional cooking sPut on your apron and show us, start to finish, how to prepare a perfect turkey dinner.

Step one:  Buy frozen turkey with many grumblings and complaints about your afflictions
Step two:  Partially defrost said turkey
Step three:  Consume partially frozen turkey
Step four:  Complain endlessly about bowel issues from consuming partially frozen turkey

[Yorkshire pud]

Step one:  Buy frozen turkey with many grumblings and complaints about your afflictions
Step two:  Partially defrost said turkey
Step three:  Consume partially frozen turkey
Step four:  Complain endlessly about bowel issues from consuming partially frozen turkey

Step two a: partially cook, partially defrosted turkey.

Step five: Compare resulting dreadful food poisoning with mother.

[whoozit]

Step two a: partially cook, partially defrosted turkey. Maybe he'd throw it in a microwave for a minute or two

Step five: Compare resulting dreadful food poisoning with mother.

[Who]

Step two a: partially cook, partially defrosted turkey.

Step five: Compare resulting dreadful food poisoning with mother.

Put leftovers in fridge until food poisoning subsides.  Remove leftover turkey from fridge and inhale.  Curse mother again.

*For enhanced effect, forget fridge.  Leave leftovers on table at room temperature for three days.  Inhale.  Visit mother in Hell.

[LadyFish]

Step two a: partially cook, partially defrosted turkey.

Step five: Compare resulting dreadful food poisoning with mother.

Step six: Eat a gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream to alleviate the food poisoning symptoms.

[Inglorious Bitch]

Step six: Eat a gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream to alleviate the food poisoning symptoms.

LOL!

[damon]

A member of the circle of trust plus Justin, Just inform me that Falkie the Senda Monster is working on a video for George Noory.

[Lilith]

A member of the circle of trust plus Justin, Just inform me that Falkie the Senda Monster is working on a video for George Noory.

Of all the circle of trust, plusJustin seems to be the most consistent supporter and confidant of George. It would be nice to hear from him IMO.

[damon]

Of all the circle of trust, plusJustin seems to be the most consistent supporter and confidant of George. It would be nice to hear from him IMO.

Brig please check out your PM inbox.

Friendship

[damon]

Brigâ,,¢ how are you doing?

[Lilith]

Brigâ,,¢ how are you doing?

I'm doing good today Damon, Thank You!  The Bills Won! 

Praise MV!

[damon]

I'm doing good today Damon, Thank You!  The Bills Won! 

Praise MV!

Thats good.  I Hope that Falke the Senda Monsterâ,,¢ will host the TurkeyGabâ,,¢ on UFOShip.comâ,,¢

Praise MVâ,,¢ and Friendshipâ,,¢

[Lilith]

Thats good.  I Hope that Falke the Senda Monsterâ,,¢ will host the TurkeyGabâ,,¢ on UFOShip.comâ,,¢

That would be GREAT! I hope he includes Ol Gerry yourself, plusJustin, SWT, Drone, and would love to hear from Little Chris if he can be convinced.  My Thanksgiving Turkey Terrible Towl arrived in time, and I'm very happy about that.

Friendship.

[damon]

That would be GREAT! I hope he includes Ol Gerry yourself, plusJustin, SWT, Drone, and would love to hear from Little Chris if he can be convinced.

Friendship.

It will be awesome to heard you too Brigâ,,¢.

Friendshipâ,,¢ and Praise Brigâ,,¢ and MVâ,,¢

[damon]

Here is Falkie'sâ,,¢ latest Videos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii95i10aEKk


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jTqH1Dd_L4

[Lilith]

Here is Falkie'sâ,,¢ latest Videos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii95i10aEKk

I had heard the Yellowstone Park story, but it is so much more interesting when Senda tells it.  He makes it more like a story, and adds expert advice to his viewers.

[Lilith]

Here is Falkie'sâ,,¢ latest Videos.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jTqH1Dd_L4

It's too bad Senda didn't pick the Bills.  Shame on Him!

[damon]

I wonder when the senda monster® is going to do a paranormal video?

Friendship®â,,¢ and Praise MV®â,,¢