The General Musings of Falkie2013 (George Senda, The Guy From Pittsburgh)

[onan]

Odd how the bruises don't extend all over her lithe, firm body eh? Why would the bruises be restricted to her face?

It is odd, that other areas with thinner, more sensitive skin do not show any bruising.

[SredniVashtar]

I was joking. Bet the rent, he has hit her.

He's an angry guy, there's no doubt about that, who doesn't think he is getting his due out of life. Plus, he is incapable of taking the advice of anyone. It's all too easy to imagine him lashing out at the slightest hint of back-chat. I expect it's pure routine for Sweet Kathy to get a right-hander whenever she says anything his lordship doesn't approve of. I am sure she is no prize either, and they should have split up decades ago, because it sounds like the weirdest deal imaginable. Quite how he can call her his 'girlfriend' when they can't even stand living in the same place together is something I can't understand. Separate beds is one thing, but separate towns is something else.

I don't know what this thing he is supposed to be working on for Dave is going to be all about. A snuff movie? I wouldn't put it past him.

[bateman]

Oooh, get her!

I don't know whether it's the hairdo or the lisp, but I tend not to accept advice from people who are obviously gayer than a Liberace convention at Disneyland. I get the uneasy feeling that "brushing" involves another dude's dick, and "flossing" is evidently code for something gerbil-related. So I shall pass. 

Coming on a little strong there, fella.

[SredniVashtar]

Coming on a little strong there, fella.

Don't tell me you don't like that sort of thing. 

[bateman]

Don't tell me you don't like that sort of thing. 

I mean, a little buildup is nice, no reason to jump right into things.

[Inglorious Bitch]

This type of vague suggestion of violence by flakie, annoys me. He has already explained he doesn't hit her "on camera." I don't know how he could make it any clearer.

And Kathy told us that he doesn't hit her "anymore".

[starrmtn001]

Wow.  I didn't realize you were a warrior.  Let me buy you a drink at the VFW.

Actually Paladin, I didn't realize that YOU were a warrior until I read/heard it the other day.  Thank YOU for your service sir!

[Inglorious Bitch]

I mean, a little buildup is nice, no reason to jump right into things.

Be careful if he buys you a drink.

[SredniVashtar]

Be careful if he buys you a drink.

That's called an 'enhanced dating technique' where I come from, and is perfectly legitimate. All that stuff about Cosby just shows how pussified this world has become. It's just to get them relaxed. Sometimes they relax best when they fall off the bar stool and are passed out unconcsious on the floor, that's all.

[starrmtn001]

Oooh, get her!

I don't know whether it's the hairdo or the lisp, but I tend not to accept advice from people who are obviously gayer than a Liberace convention at Disneyland. I get the uneasy feeling that "brushing" involves another dude's dick, and "flossing" is evidently code for something gerbil-related. So I shall pass. 

You're thinking of MV you silly goose.  The person you are addressing is Maryanne.

[Yorkshire pud]

That's called an 'enhanced dating technique' where I come from, and is perfectly legitimate. All that stuff about Cosby just shows how pussified this world has become. It's just to get them relaxed. Sometimes they relax best when they fall off the bar stool and are passed out unconcsious on the floor, that's all.

Essex girls then?

[Inglorious Bitch]

Essex girls then?

Poor Essex! Constantly maligned. Essex women always speak highly of you.

[Inglorious Bitch]

That's called an 'enhanced dating technique' where I come from, a

Anyway you can get 'em, eh?

[boxman]

Kinda sad how there are more posts in a thread about falkie than about art bell himself..

[Yorkshire pud]

Poor Essex! Constantly maligned. Essex women always speak highly of you.

That's because they're Essex girls; they're not fussy.

[SredniVashtar]

Anyway you can get 'em, eh?

Even post-mortem coupling isn't totally off the agenda. I have been chased out of more morgues than you have had hot midgets, dear.

[starrmtn001]

Poor Essex! Constantly maligned. Essex women always speak highly of you.

I don't understand the Essex references.  If Essex were an American city, where in America, would it be located?

[Inglorious Bitch]

Kinda sad how there are more posts in a thread about falkie than about art bell himself..

Art doesn't inspire that disdain that Falkie does, or even Kathy. Also, Drone did not leave his wife for Art.

[Inglorious Bitch]

I don't understand the Essex references.  If Essex were an American city, where in America, would it be located?

Imagine an entire county made up of the Kardashians. That's Essex. Being trashy isn't just for us Americans anymore!

[Yorkshire pud]

Kinda sad how there are more posts in a thread about falkie than about art bell himself..

Nope; there are more posts about Falkie in the Falkie thread than there are about AB. The clue is in the thread title....


Need a recap from page one?

[Yorkshire pud]

 
http://www.srogers.com/comedy/essex.asp


The Ultimate Essex Girl Joke List (some of them)

   Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex man and an Essex girl?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?
A. What team do you guys play for?

Q. What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl?
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that fucked him!

Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus Shelters.

Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
A. She shuts the Cortina's door.

Q. How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch into her ear.

Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. Why does an Essex girl wear knickers?
A. To keep her ankles warm.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironingboard.

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when fucked.

Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping.

Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A. She drops her bag of chips.

Q. What does an Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.

Q. What do an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common?
A. They both get fucked by eight men while on holiday.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.

Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"

Q. What does an Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150?
A. Basildon

Q. What's the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters? A: They both have saws in their box

Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.

Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning? 1: Says "Thanks guys... " 2: Introduces herself. 3: Goes home.

Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.

Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an aeroplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.

Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.

Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls ?
A. Both go down in Tenerife.

Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say?
A. NEXT!

Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A. Red means stop.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.

Q. Why don't you let Essex girls take coffee breaks.
A. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Q. How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Don't tell her to swallow.

Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury an Essex girl.

Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.

Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....

Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels?
A. More head room.

Q. Why don't Essex girls like pickles?
A. They can't get their head in the jar.

Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.

Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!

Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!

Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!

Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.

Q. How do you kill an Essex girl?
A. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q. Why do Essex girls work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

[SredniVashtar]

Art doesn't inspire that disdain that Falkie does

"On the 'fucked-up toupee line' we have George"
"How are yewww?"

I think we can safely say that there is at least one person in the world who has disdain for Art.

[Yorkshire pud]

Imagine an entire county made up of the Kardashians. That's Essex. Being trashy isn't just for us Americans anymore!

It started with exporting the hoola hoop and frisbees. That's what happens!!

[starrmtn001]

Imagine an entire county made up of the Kardashians. That's Essex.

Ah.  That would explain the logo then.

[BobGrau]

Ew. What's been going on in here this time?

[Yorkshire pud]

Ew. What's been going on in here this time?

Erm; how far back do you want to go? Senda is off to talk about UFO's and it's costing a $1000. No idea where he's got that from recently, saving up out of his trust fund....naaaa, not a trust fund.

[BobGrau]

Erm; how far back do you want to go? Senda is off to talk about UFO's and it's costing a $1000. No idea where he's got that from recently, saving up out of his trust fund....naaaa, not a trust fund.

Splits the ad revenue with MV, clearly.

[BobGrau]

Splits the ad revenue with MV, clearly.

Arrgh! See this is the problem with not obsessively reading every post in every thread, you don't know which obvious jokes have still to be ticked off.

[WhiteCrow]

Called out by name in a Kathy's Korner video. I don't know if I should write this day down in my diary or cry.

Nice to be so honored Inglorious... I too enjoy your efforts!

[Rally Squirrel]

And Kathy told us that he doesn't hit her "anymore".

And Falkie has told us that he has never punched her or hit her "with a closed fist."