The Joke Thread

[Avi]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

The above ad ran in the Atlanta Journal. Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society. Yes, Annie is a black lab.

[Avi]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[Avi]

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Avi]

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
   The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
   The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
   The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
   The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
   The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Avi]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Avi]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 
 
Suddenly, there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Eddie Coyle]

 
    Two guys and a girl are on a deserted island.

    After a week, the girl is so ashamed of what's she's doing, she kills herself.
     After a week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, that they bury her.

     After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

[Avi]

    Two guys and a girl are on a deserted island.

    After a week, the girl is so ashamed of what's she's doing, she kills herself.
     After a week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, that they bury her.

     After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

To use her as bait to bring in a manatee.

[BobGrau]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

...so he named it Eddie Coyle

[Eddie Coyle]

...so he named it Eddie Coyle

  I saw a BobGrau this morning...then I flushed.

[b_dubb]

how do you get a bunch of canadians to get out of the pool at the same time? 

you say ... hello everyone please get out of the pool now

[BobGrau]

...so he named it Eddie Coyle

So that's why you're having a go at me, Eddie? Sorry for trying to engage in a bit of friendly banter with a member of the CoastGab elite. I'll mind my place in future.

Same old forum bullshit. Even here.

[Eddie Coyle]

So that's why you're having a go at me, Eddie? Sorry for trying to engage in a bit of friendly banter with a member of the CoastGab elite. I'll mind my place in future.

Same old forum bullshit. Even here.

    I'm merely a counterpuncher, I fail to see how a broadside at me is "friendly banter". I don't mind being called an asshole(if the shoe fits), when the implication is that I'm a stupid asshole, believe it or not, that does irk me.

[BobGrau]

    I'm merely a counterpuncher, I fail to see how a broadside at me is "friendly banter". I don't mind being called an asshole(if the shoe fits), when the implication is that I'm a stupid asshole, believe it or not, that does irk me.

I felt the 'worse vocabulary' bit referred to being foul-mouthed. On reflection I can't remember you being particularly sweary, so I can see how that might offend. But I stand by 'bad attitude' because that's the character you so proudly display. Nothing stupid about either.

Anyway, it was meant in an affectionate manner, and that's the bit that pissed you off.

[Eddie Coyle]

I felt the 'worse vocabulary' bit referred to being foul-mouthed. On reflection I can't remember you being particularly sweary, so I can see how that might offend. But I stand by 'bad attitude' because that's the character you so proudly display. Nothing stupid about either.

Anyway, it was meant in an affectionate manner, and that's the bit that pissed you off.

    Alright, we may have had a "failure to communicate" here...I'm a foul-mouth, I'll cop to that. But I pride myself on having a decent vocabulary, and I took your comment as a shot at my intellect. But if it wasn't intended as such, I'll take your word for it. Nothing wrong with badinage.

        Bad attitude...yes, and I've had that for 30 years running, so no offense taken there. Water under the bridge as far I'm concerned.

         

[alejandro]

[Avi]

This joke was told to me by a Cajun box-player of my acquaintance:   
   
   The sheriff came to Jean Claude's house and said, "Jean Claude, I've got good news and I've got bad news - which do you want first?"
   Jean Claude said, "Alors, tell me the bad news first."
   "Well, we found your wife. It seems that she and Luc were having an affair. They must've rowed out into the bayou, capsized and drowned."
   "Mon Dieu! After news such as this, what can the good news possibly be?"
   "Well, when we pulled up your wife, we found three blue crab on her. We're gonna run her again tomorrow!"