the Schadenfreude thread

[Sardondi]

♫♪José, can you see ♪♫...what a moron you are?

Damn José, I'd give you a piece of gum, but I wouldn't want you thinking you owed me a Rolex in return.

[Harmness]

One spring on a big outfit I was working on, some dumb blowhard good-looking kid from Texas showed up running his mouth and spending all day watching his shadow.  First day of the works, he saddled up an old dun horse named "Alvin."  Alvin was a damn good horse, and gentle, but once in a while he remembered what it was like when he was younger and blew a cork.  And brother, could he buck.
Well, he got on the old horse and they sort of stampeded around a little bit, the goofy prick's head just a-poppin, but hell, Alvin never really bucked.  Well that didn't matter to Mr. I-Love-Myself, and he spent the whole afternoon after we got in bragging on himself.  "Alvin didn't want no more of me," he said. 
"Listen," I finally spoke up.  "That son of a bitch wasn't bucking.  You want a horse that'll buck, just say the word."
That shut him up for a while, but he found lots of other things he could be mediocre at and brag on himself about and once in a while he'd work his "bronc ride" into the narrative.
About six weeks later, we were leaving camp with a bunch of some pretty shitty cows and sure enough, about three of them blew out.  I was riding point and reached out and roped the one that came out my side.  I was going to just trip her and tie her down, but the kid was behind me and so I let him come up and heel her.  Well, Christ, it took him about 37 loops to finally waller something on her heels, but he did and turned and rode off.
He was tied off, (his rope tied hard and fast to the horn) and riding good ol' Alvin.  That rope got up around the old bastard's flank and buddy, that old fucker did kiss his ass.  I mean tore it up.  The kid was trying to get out, but his rope kept coming back down across his thigh and popping him back down into his seat.  It looked pretty bad, and I was off and running over to cut his rope when Alvin spun, got some slack into the rope, and bucked that little prick off as hard and righteously as I've ever seen.  Piled him up right in the rocks.
That evening, all any of the rest of us could say between gasping for breath was, "Ol' Salty didn't want no more of you, did he!  Haw haw haw!"
We moved camp the next day and the kid quit.  Never heard another thing about him.

[MV/Liberace!]

harmness... never through the course of a couple paragraphs have i hated someone so much.  what a perfect addition to this thread.

[Sardondi]

Harmness, I gotta hand it to you, that was so damn well written I had to wonder whether you weren't actually in Iowa City, a 47-year-old mother of three drinking coffee and tapping out this week's assignment at the Student Union where you'd gone back to get your Masters of Creative Writing at UI.





That was really good and I'd love to see more.

[Harmness]

Iowa?  Keee-rist, no.  You wanna learn how to tell stories, try hanging around grumpy old bastards who smell of sweat and cow shit and whiskey.

[Sardondi]

Iowa?  Keee-rist, no.  You wanna learn how to tell stories, try hanging around grumpy old bastards who smell of sweat and cow shit and whiskey.

Ah, but tellin' and writin' are two different animals.

Speaking of grumpy bastards and smells, that's how I grew up, and sweat and cow shit (the whiskey came later) are smells I've always loved. Well, okay, fresh sweat - but horse sweat is OK whenever. Sometime back I saw a documentary about hands who still cowboy year round for a living. Something about Gathering Remnants I think it was. Very interesting.

[Harmness]

Horses always smell good.

Remembered another jackass who got exactly what he deserved.

     A little over a year ago, I went to help my buddy brand.  I showed up the evening before, about feeding time, and turned my horse loose in a free corral.  I tossed him some hay and leaned up against the gate while waiting for my friend to finish up.
     Suddenly his five-year-old daughter streaked out from behind the barn.  Like any kid that age worth her salt, her hair was completly mussed, her face was dirty, and her knees had scabs on top of scabs.  She ran over, I pulled a quarter out from behind her ear, and she paused to peek through the boards into the corral.
     "That's your horse," she said, pointing.
     "Yep."
     She pointed to a shaggy-maned pony in the next corral.  "That one's mine."  She gazed on him with the sort of adoration that only exists between little girls and ponies.
     "He is?  Well, I'm going to ride him tomorrow, mine's tired."
      Her head snapped around and her dark eyes flashed.
     "Your daddy said it's okay."
     With a quickness that'd make a rattlesnake jealous, she drew her little fist back and wham! punched me right in the nuts.  I dropped like I'd been shot.  She ran off.
     Never, never try to get between a little girl and her pony.  It ain't healthy.
     

[MV/Liberace!]

Horses always smell good.

Remembered another jackass who got exactly what he deserved.

     A little over a year ago, I went to help my buddy brand.  I showed up the evening before, about feeding time, and turned my horse loose in a free corral.  I tossed him some hay and leaned up against the gate while waiting for my friend to finish up.
     Suddenly his five-year-old daughter streaked out from behind the barn.  Like any kid that age worth her salt, her hair was completly mussed, her face was dirty, and her knees had scabs on top of scabs.  She ran over, I pulled a quarter out from behind her ear, and she paused to peek through the boards into the corral.
     "That's your horse," she said, pointing.
     "Yep."
     She pointed to a shaggy-maned pony in the next corral.  "That one's mine."  She gazed on him with the sort of adoration that only exists between little girls and ponies.
     "He is?  Well, I'm going to ride him tomorrow, mine's tired."
      Her head snapped around and her dark eyes flashed.
     "Your daddy said it's okay."
     With a quickness that'd make a rattlesnake jealous, she drew her little fist back and wham! punched me right in the nuts.  I dropped like I'd been shot.  She ran off.
     Never, never try to get between a little girl and her pony.  It ain't healthy.
   

haaaahahha... i just read this to my wife.  she started laughing and remarked, "that's what you get."

[BobGrau]

You wanna learn how to tell stories, try hanging around grumpy old bastards who smell of sweat and cow shit and whiskey.

That's why I endorse CoastGab.com

[Harmness]

haaaahahha... i just read this to my wife.  she started laughing and remarked, "that's what you get."

She's right.  And there's nothing like getting a well-deserved ass-whipping from a five-year-old girl to make you re-evaluate your life.

[WOTR]

For the last couple of weeks I have considered posting to this thread but had thought that perhaps my outright laughing at a death instead of an more minor mishap might not be appropriate.  However, they just had to rescue more people today from the river so...

There was a weir on the Bow river running through Calgary.  Every 3 years or so there would be somebody who drowned by going over it (weirs are not a smart thing to challenge in a canoe.)  Anyhow, two years ago the city, province and federal government decided to spend tens of millions to revamp the area and turn most of the river into what they call a world class water course (class 3 rapids) and leave a small passage for lighter inflatable boats and those without experience.  When they announced the project I laughed and commented that it is really smart to spend tens of millions to kill more people (if you can not read the signs and cross the roped off area of the river and maneuver over the safety buoys you are not going to heed a small overhead sign requesting that you keep to the extreme right of the river where they built a by-pass for beginners.)

There have been dozens of rescues required of people who did not heed the signs this year (today it was 5 full sized fire trucks, two ambulances and two vans pulling inflatable rescue boats with all the staff needed for the operation parked by their so called water course.)  It used to be once every three years they would go retrieve a body and now every couple of days they are out performing a rescue.  Last week the first death occurred (and it has only been open this year.)

I laughed out loud and commented that I honestly hope we can kill off two people a year instead of one every three years.  It would make the money I paid in taxes to make it safer worth every cent- especially when I called it two years ago before they began serious construction... an idiot could have foreseen that there will be more deaths instead of fewer if you take the ropes and warnings down and tell people that you fixed what was once known in Calgary as the drowning machine...  Happily, when a bureaucratic fixes a drowning machine they manage to turbo charge it and add nitrous.

[Sardondi]

What happened to this wonderful, family-friendly thread? We used to gather everybody, from old folks to the kids, every Saturday night and take turns reading out this thread, full as it was of marvelous tales of just reckoning come to human stupidity and conceit. It made our hearts glow to think of a righteous asshat bent double by Nemesis as he got his just deserts, good and hard. Oh my, how Grandpa would slap his knee, and how Uncle Nate would dig an elbow into Little Jake's ribs when they heard another story of how an arrogant ass got embarrassed by his smug sense of superiority, or how a disrespectful, smart-pants kid got killed for rejecting the wise counsel of his parents. Ah, those were some good times, let me tell you....

What's wrong with this world is that there's not enough schadenfreude out there. We need to revive this thread. If for no other reason that our kids need to learn the great joy to be had in laughing at arrogant jerks who finally meet well-deserved cosmic justice.

[Rachael Nexusei]

I found this amusing....since none of them were me :-)

http://youtu.be/aIyQn9jRjP8

[Sardondi]

I thought those folks were being mean - downright cruel in some cases. I'd like that vid a whole lot more if the so-called "pranksters" met with cosmic justice. Like if the guys who were sticking their buddy's head into a ceiling fan fell down and broke their own legs. Or if someone who got waked from a sound sleep by having fireworks attached to them beat the everlasting shit out of the ones who lit the fuze. To experience schadenfreude at seeing that would be perfectly legitimate in my view .

[West of the Rockies]

I agree, Sardondi... Some of those so-called pranks looked like felony-level assaults. 

[Rachael Nexusei]

You don't think most of them (maybe not all) were set up just for YT?

[West of the Rockies]

Some of them did look set up, Rachael... You could see one or two of the supposedly-sleeping individuals sort of grinning.  But some of the other situations, like the guy who was sleeping outside and had a string of firecrackers attached to his ankle or shoelace or whatever -- that looked pretty real.

[coaster]

to be honest, I would of pressed charges if someone put my head into a ceiling fan. Nothing funny about assault.

[onan]

You don't think most of them (maybe not all) were set up just for YT?

That is my impression for about 80% of them. It is a testament to how unthinking, uncaring and self obsessed we can be.

[Sardondi]

You don't think most of them (maybe not all) were set up just for YT?

That is my impression for about 80% of them. It is a testament to how unthinking, uncaring and self obsessed we can be.

Doh! I'm just a trusting soul....

[Sardondi]

(Almost duped this, but a quick GOOGLE search [note to MV: hint hint] found it for me.)

Loved this story about the rapist who is just sick with worry that he might have contracted HIV: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/03/richard-thomas-rapist-hiv_n_3860659.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

HIV: an occupational hazard for the rapist.

[West of the Rockies]

This thread has gone dead, but on the topic, I'd like to see Beiber crash and burn; has there been any news since his public and ugly deposition?

[Jackstar]

What happened to this wonderful, family-friendly thread?

Everyone started playing Dark Souls instead:

http://youtu.be/2ecS0yKnNLA