Any Good Jokes?

[pyewacket]

zeebo- I got the joke after my husband explained it to me. He laughed. 

Here's something that pet owners will appreciate. Gotta love this dog!

http://www.wimp.com/dogcompetition/

[Mind Flayer Monk]

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?


Put it on my bill

[pyewacket]

Here's something to put Star Trek fans in the holiday spirit:


Star Trek christmas song Make It So

[Robert Ghostwolf's Ghost]

Here's something to put Star Trek fans in the holiday spirit:

"Shut up, Wesley!"   

[yumyumtree]

None I can tell in front of you, Ma'am.


What Sir Michael Caine reportedly said when asked this by the Queen.

[ComeBackArt]

Hopefully not a repeat of something above in the thread. Don't have time to reread it all...

Q: How are scientists so sure that the skeletal remains found under a parking lot construction site in England are those of Richard III?
A: He was found under a two-door.


[Get it? A Tudor. Ha!]

[littlechris]

HILLARIOUS!!!!!


http://youtu.be/aVs5xac8ZRQ

[pyewacket]

 

[pyewacket]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

[pyewacket]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

[pyewacket]

I provided the link due to the length. Let's see how we do.

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you speak English better than 90% of the native English speakers http://refreshingnews99.blogspot.in/2014/12/if-you-can-pronounce-correctly-every.html

[pyewacket]

[pyewacket]

[zeebo]

A young boy tells his little sister, "It's time we learn to swear.  So tomorrow morning at breakfast, I'm gonna say a bad word, and then you go next, ok?", and she agrees.

So next morning his mother asks him "What do you want for breakfast?"

The boy says "Ah shit mom, Fruit Loops I guess."

The mom grabs him, spanks him for cursing, and he runs out of the kitchen crying.

So then mom turns to her daughter and asks "Now how about you, what do you want for breakfast?"

To which the little girl replies "I don't know mom, but I sure ain't having the fucking Fruit Loops."

[pyewacket]

Reno 911 made me laugh. Hope you do, too. 

How


DUI test

[FightTheFuture]

Reno 911 made me laugh. Hope you do, too. 

How


DUI test

One of my favorite TV shows of ALL TIME.


That DUI bit had me in stitches!

[pyewacket]

One of my favorite TV shows of ALL TIME.


That DUI bit had me in stitches!

Me, too 

[zeebo]

Q: How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and three to sing about how good the old one was.

[Yorkshire pud]

Up in Yorkshire

  A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.     Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's atypical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.   Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The barman says, 'aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'    The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'   The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Theakstons Beer,wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says---------

'Had him circumcised...'

[Robert Ghostwolf's Ghost]

 

[RcCle]

I provided the link due to the length. Let's see how we do.

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you speak English better than 90% of the native English speakers http://refreshingnews99.blogspot.in/2014/12/if-you-can-pronounce-correctly-every.html

I like the comments after the poem... 

[zeebo]

A woman goes to the bookstore and asks the clerk "I'm looking for that new book, for women married to men with small, well, you know ...."  "Hmm", he says as he checks his computer, "I don't think it's in yet."  And she replies "Yes, that's the one."

[pyewacket]

[pyewacket]

 Giorgio Tsoukalos

[zeebo]

I was thinking about becoming a professional mirror cleaner.  It's something I could really see myself doing.

[zeebo]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[pyewacket]

Think you're having a bad day?

http://lol60-97.diply.com/lolstuff/21-people-just-having-worst-day/83707

[wr250]

HOT COFFEE
Gotta love those grand-kids ..
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
What day is tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!” ..
She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?” ..
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.
She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the
White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[Daggit]

Q: What are the last two words of our national anthem?

A: Play Ball.

[Kelt]

Up in Yorkshire

  A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.     Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's atypical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.   Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The barman says, 'aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'    The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'   The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Theakstons Beer,wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says---------

'Had him circumcised...'

Now that reminds me of...



http://youtu.be/TL4GnWtjNXk